Are you following the Cash for Clunkers program? Initially it seemed like a good idea to me. Then they blew through a billion dollars and I started thinking about it. The program was launched weeks behind schedule and blew through in 4 days what was planned to last 4 months. Dealers are in a tizzy because apps aren’t being processed in reasonable time. Who is processing this? Citi bank. Remember? They were so screwed up we had to bail them out and now we are part owner. The cars of course are destroyed and set to China so they can make something of them and sell it back to us. Congressmen have said it’s only a few billion dollars. After all trillions are no big deal to them.
Hey I think it’s time for Cash for Catnip. Here’s how it should work. Every American should get a $20 credit to buy catnip toys. The good news is that not everyone has a cat so it should come in well under $6B. Take your old catnip toy and insure that it meets the requirements set forward in the 150 page government guidelines. It will then have to be dipped in acid and mailed to China where it will be disposed of. Be sure to check for acid burns on cat toys next time you go to made in China chain stores… along with toxic chemicals, exposed bells rayon filler and other fun stuff.
Clearly this will need to be administered and frankly I’m not comfortable with how the administration has been using the Patriot Act to install spyware on auto dealer computers in violation of the 4th amendment and electronics communications law. I say we put this in the hands of locals. After all Oregon has the 3rd highest unemployment in the country. So here’s my proposal. We get some people together and create a bank. The objective here is to do some big deals that go sideways so that the government buys 50% ownership in the bank. (Yay TARP!) Our failed bank asks to be the processor and recommends me to do the web site. It appears since the stimulus the new going rate for government sites is $18M. I know what you’re thinking. I’m willing to pay $10,000 per pizza run so chill.
Well there you have it. I have been feeling left out and insignificant in recent events where failed banks got bail outs so they could post record profits and billions went to crazy pork projects in the stimulus. It turns out all I needed was a modernized business plan. Now with a clear path to millions of dollars I feel better. Best of all this won’t cost us anything. The government pays for it so it’s free! Now I just need you to tell your elected representatives. Who’s going to miss a few billion dollars anyway? Why shouldn’t I get my share of the pie?
You shouldn’t feel left out though. Count me in on quid pro quo for funds for fridges, coin for tenderloin, moola for moonshine, cents for incense or whatever drains off some of that excess DC green. Okay, so tax revenue has dropped faster than it has since the 1930s. Sure the Chinese are getting nervous about us paying them back. The deficit has ballooned to nearly $2B, but hey we can print money so party on! I have even coined a term for my idea… Stimulus Fairness which gives us an ideological trump card. Anyone opposing giving every business in America a shot at stimulus cash would demonstrate a clear lack of tolerance. Is this a great country or what?