I was into dogs when I was young. I never understood cats. Once when I was in grade school I chased off a neighbor dog that had chased a neighbor cat up on a chain link fence. I got the cat down and it scratched my ear. I thought that was not very appreciative. When I was 16 we had horses and cows and got a black female cat to control the mouse population. She was awesome. My dad and I watched her play with a mouse and literally scare it to death once. She had kittens and I fell in love with one of them. Sadly he got sick and died when he was still a kitten. It was an unhappy memory as I told mom he was sick and she said we would take him to the vet in the morning. I was devastated.
As an adult cats became part of my life, but I didn’t really begin to understand them until I got older. My mother also was a different situation. I was the peace maker in my family and when I left for the Navy everyone was at each others throats. In my 30s my first marriage had failed and my mother and I were not very close. I recall her asking me one mothers day if I got her flowers and I suddenly felt like somehow I had not fully grasped this whole mother son thing. I excused myself and went to a flower store that looked like it had been hit by a tornado. I got the last flowers they had and went to see my mother. She looked surprised when I told her I would not forget her. One day I had her over for dinner and she had just broken up with her boyfriend. Mom never did anything small. She threw him out at gun point. I think he got the message. Anyway she could no longer afford her rent. A week later we had gone from that conversation to me moving in with her. It made sense to me. I help her afford a place to live, get some of my meals cooked and get to spend time with the most important person in my life. It seemed like a good deal given that we tend to ignore our parents most of the year.
When I met Alison I like to remind her she was living with her dad because he was helping her with a place to stay, I was helping my mom afford a place. After we had been together a few years we moved to a place on Bald Peak with 14 acres and it had a full basement with an apartment. Mom was miserable with her room mate so we offered her to move in. A few years later my business was failing and I was borrowing money from her for our lease, but it became obvious it was pointless. Eventually we ended up moving to a place that I was not wild about. We were crowded in a three bedroom house. Mom moved out to live with her friend in San Diego. She grew to hate it.
You have to understand our relationship. I would ask her for help and she would tell me it was not a good time, then do it any way. She called me and asked me to come down and drive her back to Oregon in a moving van. I told her there was no way I could do it and asked her when she wanted me there. That was our relationship. There was nothing we would not do for each other. When I got there she had a leg injury affecting her mobility and I ended up spending a few days helping her pack. We reached Northern California the next day and I had not slept and had driven all but a few miles. We stopped in to a rest stop overlooking Lake Shasta on the afternoon of August 31st, 2001. While we were there she got dizzy and passed out. Then she asked me to call 911. I thought she was overreacting. I took a quick trip to the restroom and came back to hear her vocalizing incoherently. I panicked. To this day I cannot force myself to quite conjure that memory fully, but if I ever hear it again my blood will run cold. I called 911 on a pay phone and when I got back to the truck she was not breathing. I ran around the other side and opened the door. She had gained weight as she was unable to walk much, probably well towards 200 lbs. I picked her up like a baby, scrambled down the step of the truck and ran to the grass calling for help. Help arrived, but it became clear that even if the ambulance didn’t take 45 minutes there was no chance. She was gone.
All my life I could never force myself to think of death. Not mine and not hers. There were grief counselors there. They asked me if anyone else was going to Portland with me. I asked if any of them wanted to go. No, nobody is going with me. They suggested I stop and rest. I knew that would be a mistake. I asked for a moment alone and walked among the trees. It was a beautiful summer day. The grass was green and the lake below was crystal blue beneath the red rocks far below. It was idyllic, somehow far too beautiful and serene. I recall a feeling washing over me that mom had prepared me and i would be okay. My one comfort was that she had told me how proud she was of me and it had become clear I was the person she loved most in the world. It was easily the most devastating moment of my life and I would be wracked with guilt for not saving her for months even after the coroner made it clear that her pulmonary embolism could not have been been recovered from.
I had left San Diego Thursday late afternoon. I left the rest stop around 4 PM Friday and got home early Saturday morning driving a moving van with a car in tow. It was then that I started to cry. I was self employed and quit work. Alison went off to her job. I laid around grieving. On September 11th I got up and turned on the TV and saw buildings on fire. This is how messed up I was. I didn’t know what city it was or how I could feel any worse than I already did… so I turned off the TV and went back to bed. I only relived the event recently and truly was impacted by the horror for the first time, Maybe it colors my perspective because for me it just finally happened.
This story though is about a cat who saved my life. I had two cats, Max and Lacey, who have since gone to their rest. As it happened I was helping a friend with her computer and met her daughter’s cat she was watching. It seemed the funniest looking cat with two color schemes on her face, but she was fascinating. She fetched and she was so affectionate. We really hit it off. As it turned out this cat needed a home. I was surprised Alison was okay with me getting her. When I went to pick her up it was hilarious. The girl opened the door and my cat friend saw me and ran over to a scratching post and grabbed the top with her front paws. She proceeded to spin herself around in a tilted orbit, up to the left and bounce off the floor on the right. Each time she swung she spun her head and looked me in the eye as if to say “are you looking at me?” Needless to say I was smitten.
I brought Cosmo home and she was unlike any cat I’d ever met. She followed me everywhere. Most cats allow you to join their society. Cosmo wanted to be part of mine. When you ate yogurt of ice cream she would look at you and tip her head sideways. She became great friends with our dog. She would sit with me every meal and watch me eat, curious what humans liked and sometimes why I ate weird stuff. She is the only cat I’ve ever known who is an avowed pacifist. She plays catch and release with grasshoppers and doesn’t like animal violence on TV. The girl who gave her to me told me should be be a pest and was worried she would be too much for me. I got her the start of December. A funny thing happened. One day in February I noticed I was feeling happy.
I love cats. I have six. They are all interesting with unique personalities. They have the maturity of an adult creature and yet the emotional state of a child. I love them all, but there has never been a cat that I have the kind of relationship I do with Cosmo. We even irritate each other and sass like an old married couple. When she annoys me and I ask her to give me some peace she gives me a look and walks off. She always obeys me. Within a minute I am consumed with a terrible feeling. She is so like a child and she won’t be with me forever. I can’t bear to think of the day I lose her or how I will cope. All I know is that I would do anything for her, no matter how inconvenient. After those moments of reflection I find myself walking out of my office to find her and pick her up and tell her that I love her and couldn’t live without her. After all, at the lowest point in my life she brought me back from despair. She saved my life.